Look how far you’ve come. You are this close to outgrow adolescence. You did well, it wasn’t that difficult, was it? I told you that you would get through it with no major issues. Well, you had some, but they didn’t get you, you moved pass them and got over them. I am proud. You are still lacking in the responsible department, still skipping classes and making teachers kick you out. Well, it cannot be helped, at least now you know you are smart and can do whatever you want if you set your mind to it. You have proved it as well.
Remember? You were never the intelligent one in your family, you were the pretty one. No one expected anything from you but rebellious acts and bad grades. Your attitude has never helped your case, but you have shown yourself you can do better than all of them can. You have realized you are smart, as or er than they are. You’ll keep proving that, and they’ll know. They’ll also know you are fucked up, but meh. Things come with a price. Just accept it. I think they already did.
Remember how you had a list of things you wanted to do to grow up and experience life? You wanted alcohol, drugs, and sex. Now you think the list was stupid, you didn’t need any of those things to become an adult, you only needed to overcome situations and to learn lessons from them. You thought you needed those things to become important and interesting to people. Silly girl, now you don’t care about those things. You roll your eyes at what they think about you. Still, you went for them, scratched one thing at a time until there was nothing else, so you started a new list. Nothing shallow this time. Good. I hope you manage to pursue all of them. Don’t give up. Keep going, there is an end to each path somewhere. Your job is to find it, and when you do, don’t rush out, play with it, use it to your advantage, walk around it and cover all the basic places, then you can walk away.
You still have dreams about him, don’t you? I would love to tell you those are eventually going to stop, but they won’t. They keep coming at you, once every while, out of the blue, you’ll close your eyes and feel him navigating the insides of your dreams, you’ll then wake up with that feeling on your chest, the one you get whenever you have nightmares or dreams about him. It won’t ever stop. Again, your fault. Now he’s become your secret, something that only exist within your lips, in silence. You say his name like it’s a sin, you like it. You’ve always like torture. You’re funny that way. He is a pain you’ll never get fully rid of. You are used to it, you don’t even notice it anymore until you see him in your dreams, then everything comes to life and you have to work hard to repress it. That is going to influence the kind of books and movies you’ll find interesting and the kind of things you’ll write about. Absence is your favorite grief now. Believe me.
Again, you are this close to exit adolescence land. It’ll start with a bump in the way, it’ll get bad, then worse, and, finally, better.
Hold on tight. Don’t fall.
Read carefully, take note:
You’ll fall in love. Madly. Don’t mess it up.
You’ll find out who your friends are. You don’t have any. Trust me.
Well, you do have a best friend. He will be there forever.
He’ll also be a jerk and do bad things.
You’ll also be stupid and do bad things.
You deserve each other. Idiots.
You’ll play with people. I don’t think that is good, yet it is fun.
You’ll do an awful thing karma is going to get you for.
You’ll believe in karma after that series of events.
That doesn’t mean you’ll stop being a bad person. You’ll just do it under the water.
Your little brother is going to break his left arm and spend the night at the hospital. The next day, while your parents wait for him to get a surgery, your mother finds out her dad died.
You’ll get the call a few minutes later. To this day you still cannot believe he is gone.
He died of a heart attack. He had been admitted in a rehab clinic for several weeks.
He never recovered.
He is gone now.
Your family falls apart after that.
All of it does.
Hang in there.