You are finally coping with college life, although you hate to wake up at 5 am. You have to be at school at 7 o’clock, and it is an hour and a half trip. You hate it, every day you wake up, see the dark sky, your warm blankets and feel like crying, you promise to sleep all afternoon once you get back, but you never do. Still, that thought is enough to get you through the day. You are lazy, after all. You will always be. You are even tired of existing. Do you really have to open your eyes and get moving? Yes, you do, unless you are dead, then you can stay still forever and not do anything. Not asleep, not awake. It must be despairing. Can you feel it? Yes? Then move. And you are not depressed, stop thinking about it. You get sullen with new chapters all the time, but things always get better. Or worse. Remember, things can always worsen, and they will. Trust me, honey: they will.
You have one more year to go until the road gets bumpy. Never mind that, it gets a bit bumpy this year. Hold on tight:
Your dad’s mom falls in the bathroom. She hits her head really hard, ends up in the hospital. She’s leaking some fluid that spreads all over her body. Your grandfather knows what it means, you can see it in his green, sad eyes. You go to see her, they ask for your id, but you don’t have one because you thought you’d never need it. You do, baby face. When you see her, your heart breaks. Her face is swollen purple, she is asleep, cannot hear you or feel you. You kiss her forehead and say goodbye. She dies the day before your birthday. You spend your special day at her funeral. Your soul mourns for your dad’s sadness, he hangs up on your mom when she tells him his had died. You cry, because you never had a special relationship with her, and now she is gone and your dad is all alone. He has brothers, sisters, but no mom and dad. He must feel so lost.
You remember you grandmother used to be mean to him. She was a horrible person with the prettiest eyes you’ve seen, and then everything stopped. Menopause broke her, and then she got sick. Do you know what disease? Her hands and feet were always shaking, she lost the spark in her gaze, looked nowhere and smiled all the time. Her eyes filled with tears whenever you visited. She died down as time went by. Withered away until that day. Remember?
You have to go home that day, to another state, to another city. You go home alone. That’s when you feel really lonely, get it? No the previous times.
It is sad, but your dad recovers. It takes time. Don’t be mean to him, don`t. I know you guys fight, but he loves you, and you’ll hurt so much if something happened to him. And it does. You don’t believe it until it does. Be good. He is deserves it. Also, what’s with his mustache? You mom has only seen him once without it, you need to find a way to shave it all off. Do it, I am curious.
Now you now, your birthday can be also bitter and sad. You’ll never forget any of it, and as you remember, you’ll feel all the emotions you had back them. You’ll relive the moment, agonize it, die it, and then snap out of it. Move on.
This years is hard, but it’s also good. You do stupid things. This is it. Say goodbye to the innocence I’ve been telling you to hold on to, for you finally let it all go.
You are never going to listen to me, are you?
Tips to survive (do what you want):
Don’t drink mescal. It’ll give you the worst hangovers ever. They last all day, and make all the house smell of alcohol and sin.
Stop it with the Chomsky thing already. He is still alive.
You’ll do something really stupid. No hard feelings. No regrets. Meh, you are not sentimental.
You’ll lose a friend over alcohol. You won’t remember pieces of information because, apparently, you can forget things when you are really drunk. The things you do remembers make you blush.
You’ll be drinking outside the building with a couple of friends. There is a place that is nearly hidden from people, where you go to talk or have some fun. You’ll want to go to phonology class because you like it, they won’t. You’ll convince them, drag their asses back to the classroom. You’ll also be a bit tipsy. Five minutes after the class starts, the professor will kick you out. As you leave the classroom, your friends will look at you with murder written all over them. You`ll wave them goodbye and laugh. At least you’ll try to be responsible.
Someone will make your heart skip a bit. It only takes a kiss. Don’t ruin it.
You’ll lose your marbles. Maybe forever.
This year is the last time you hear her voice, also the last time you write each other letters. You don’t know it, but you’re starting to grow apart. In a few years there will be nothing left.
Enjoy school. You’ll miss it.