TruthTuesday: the day I decided to die

I was walking down the street, on my way to the bus that would take me home. The sun was up, it shone with such intensity I felt my blood burning through my veins. I was looking straight ahead to the distance. My mom taught me to chin up and never look down. Literally as well. But there were some times I felt the need to stare at the floor I was walking on, maybe to avoid gums or poop, things like that. So, I did look down, and surprise, surprise. The pavement was crowded with grasshoppers. Tons of them. They jumped around from here to there, looking green, fat and ugly. I screamed at the top of my lungs, my body froze. It stood there, paralyzed by the fear as those insects kept moving.

I was in the middle of the street, you know, where cars run and bikes go by. My boyfriend grabbed my arm and tried to make me move to the sidewalk, but he did not succeed. A few seconds after, there was a huge truck driving towards us. I turned to the right side, determined to go to the darn sidewalk and stay safe, but then I saw them. All of the grasshoppers where in there, piled together, jumping and making fun of me. I had to make a decision. It was crucial.

I took one look to that sidewalk, then to the truck. My eyes went back and forth. There was no way in hell I was going to walk over the sea of insects that made my insides crawl in despair. No, sir.

For some reason I decided to stay put in the middle of the street as the truck approached me. I was ready for it. I preferred death to a life with this little hellhounds all over my feet. That was it. I made my peace with it, closed my eyes, and heard my last thoughts.

Good bye, earth, and good luck.

Mom, dad, I love you.

Screw you, Tite…

“What the hell are you doing?” asked my boyfriend as he pulled me hard to him and made me go to the sidewalk. He covered my eyes with his hand and walked me out of there to a place safe of hell insects and murdering trucks.

That day is known as the day this idiot chose death over a path of grasshoppers. You call it fear, I call it greatness. Well, that’s a lie, for I call it fear as well. Raw, irrational, and blind fear.

What are you afraid of?

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27 thoughts on “TruthTuesday: the day I decided to die

  1. Tanya Cliff says:

    You are fortunate that you had someone who loved you enough to pull you to safety. I’ve never had that. I was fortunate to have a reason to avoid that truck and one that outweighed my own hurts – the beautiful children holding my hands. That meant that, for their sake, I watched carefully for traffic and learned to stomp or avoid piles of grasshoppers and such things. I’ve gotten pretty good at it…Lol (and they bring me great joy…the children, not the grasshoppers…)

    What am I afraid of? That kind of abandonment…when the people who say they love you…even loudly sometimes…don’t care enough to be there, to protect, to include, to enjoy and to love. I don’t mean times of separation, because those happen, but real neglect and indifference. The kind that leaves you alone in a crowded room and no one can see you through the crowd…hypocritical love of the worst kind.

    Hold on to that boyfriend, Cookie. I’m insanely jealous…Lol

    Like

    • believemeornotsite says:

      Lol, yeah, he is always pulling me to safety. Your cookie monster is clumsy, so she needs saving. I am always tripping and crashing against things, so he grabs me by my Hood or by my sweater and pulls me up. But yeah, he is the one who keeps people from throwing grasshoppers at me, because I am terrified of them. Don’t know why. That is my biggest fear, it’s funny. My mother makes fun of me, she sais that I am too rude sometimes, and tough, and get so nervous around these tiny monsters. Lol.
      As far as your fear, I undestand it. It is not mine, but I hate hypocritical love and friendship. I want someone who is there for me in a crowded place and make me feel I am the only one even if people are everywhere. Or someone who can see through your masks. That simple, right?

      Liked by 1 person

      • Tanya Cliff says:

        Absolutely…someone who knows the real you deep inside and protects and loves and celebrates all of you, including those private/past/future vulnerabilities. It’s like your boyfriend. He knows this fear of yours and is watchful for it. He knows your clumsiness and covers for you. Does he protect you with a glad heart? Does he ever mock you for it or make it public?

        I think that defines the intimate connection of real lovers…the secret, deep parts of each other you know that no one else does.
        I think it is simple and precious. I don’t think it occurs often. Like I said, cookie monster, hold on to that guy…the world is full of mockers and hypocrites.

        Liked by 1 person

      • believemeornotsite says:

        Yeah. Someone who knows why you do the things you do with no need to explain yourself. Someone who keeps your secrets as if they were his own.
        He does make fun of my fear to grasshoppers, but he never attempts to do anything. He stomps them or kicks them out of my way, so I don’t go crazy and have a melt down. Lol, he suffers more tan I do.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Tanya Cliff says:

        There is an intimacy to lover’s secrets that defines real and enduring passion, I think. It’s a thing to be coveted.
        Your boyfriend’s teasing is forgivable, provided he doesn’t go baking a grasshopper into a cookie or something and send you into hysterics…Lol (little added protein to your macadamia nuts cookies there, Cookie?…just makes me shudder thinking about it…”crunch”)…btw, does this mean the movie “Antz” is like a horror film to you?…Lol

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      • believemeornotsite says:

        Lol, you are mean. He does like to eat them. Apparently, people eat them and they are delicious. So, I told him if he ever eats one in front of me, I’ll eat a guava and Kiss him with guava breath, He is sensitive about it. He hate guava, can’t say why!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Tanya Cliff says:

        Lol…maybe he has some kind of weird guava allergy or something?
        I can assure you that MY macadamia nut cookies are 100% certified insect free…(of course, the certification is only as good as the inspection, but I keep a fairly clean kitchen…and my daughter freaks at any stray piece of anything…so no bugs in my cookies…Lol)
        I’m willing to try a lot of different foods, but I will pass on the grasshopper dish…
        I had eel at a sushi restaurant not too long ago that was amazing…

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      • believemeornotsite says:

        ha,ha. Maybe. He is weird. Lol.
        I don’t like new foods, I don’t like to experiment with it, it freaks me out.
        Macadamia nut cookies are the craziest thing I’ve eaten, that and sushi and mole. That’s it with the weird food.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Tanya Cliff says:

        Did the mole taste like chicken? I had a frog’s leg once, and it tasted like chicken. (possibly because I was told it was chicken and wasn’t told what it was until AFTER I had eaten it…so my brain said “okay, deep fried chicken”..makes me shudder thinking about it. It was a mean trick that my dad played on me when I was a teenager…)
        I like to try new things with foods I already like…variations on the theme (like my beef stew, which I make in a number of different ways…still basically the same thing…tonight’s version is Italian…I only make this one once a year, and it is devoured.)

        Like

      • believemeornotsite says:

        Well, yeah, Mole has chicken (i think) but it is a mixture of sauce and chocolate that makes me think twice before eating it. But, yeah, I don’t eat anything that looks unfamiliar to me, i get anxious. So, I don’t eat anything like oysters, frog’s legs (lol, your dad played you bad), or snake’s skin (there are people who have tried that) No, thank you.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Tanya Cliff says:

        lol…yes, when you said “mole”, my brain pictured the little critter “mole”…and not mole sauce, which I am very familiar with. I lived in Texas for three years. Makes sense that you like it with the chocolate and all…
        literally, my brain was thinking, “wow, there isn’t much meat on a mole…how do prepare that?”, followed by “yuck”…Lol (the picture in my brain is giving me fits of laughter…poor little mole…)

        Like

      • Tanya Cliff says:

        Funnier yet, because right away my brain launches into the “how the hell do you prepare THAT” mode…skewered over an open flame? little roast mole with tatters? stuffed mole?…not sure what you would stuff it with, it would have to be small…Can you gutt a mole?…What are it’s edible parts?…deep fried mole claw?…Lol
        I got past the ewww quickly and have been laughing since…

        Like

      • believemeornotsite says:

        Ha,ha, ha. Poor mole, not that one! Lol, I can understand your question better now. Does it taste like chicken? I thought, well, yeah, it has chicken, but I didn’t think you had another type of mole in mind! It’s so funnY!!!!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Tanya Cliff says:

        It was very funny…
        If you like Mole (the sauce, NOT the critter) you would probably like my pork tinga. You slow cook a pork shoulder (you could do this with chicken, but it dries out) and then shred it and crisp the ends over the cooktop, and the sauce is an awesome, hot chipotle based sauce. We top it with fresh lime, cilantro, queso fresco, and avocado…all over fresh pressed corn tortillas…a lot of work, but yummy…(I usually make a huge double batch of it and freeze a bunch of it for down the road )

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      • Tanya Cliff says:

        Lol…my dad had a huge aversion to onions. If he even thought there was a drop of onion powder in something, he would get angry and not eat it. I remember quietly laughing about it, probably because my mom was sneaking onion into something…which she never got away with. He was like the princess who could feel the pea under all those mattresses…Lol (is your onion aversion like that?)
        My children will eat sweet onions or caramelized onions in food…but definitely not the strong variety, and tinga doesn’t need it…just really good seasonings and fresh ingredients…I forgot the cream (I normally don’t use it on mine, but everyone else does…)

        Like

      • Tanya Cliff says:

        But you wouldn’t cook them in your scrambled eggs, right?…
        In my mind, I now am picturing a gigantic onion chasing after you trying to envelop my cookie monster into its layers…run, cookie, run!

        I don’t really have any specific food aversion and my only allergy is to mosquitoes. Before I was 2 or 3, mosquito bites required a run to the emergency room. Now I just need a good antihistamine…but what a weird thing to be allergic to…
        If I’m out hiking in the woods, I sometimes take a strong one even before I go, if I know the mosquitoes are bad…
        Part of why I adore bats…and dragonflies…and spiders…ANYTHING that eats mosquitoes is awesome to me! Fortunately, I live where there are a lot of bats.

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      • Tanya Cliff says:

        Lol…right, and Vampires change into bats, and bats eat lots and lots of mosquitoes…
        I adore bats. If I’m out walking at night, and they are swooping around me, I just cheer them on…
        I kinda laugh at folks being afraid of bats. The world would be mosquito hell without them. Though my favorite of all is a fruit eater, the flying fox (Pteropus Vampyrus…there’s your vampire…they just have that look about them)…I think the closest flying foxes to us reside at the Columbus Zoo in Ohio. My youngest studied bats and wants to visit there just to see the flying foxes…

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      • Tanya Cliff says:

        Lol…we don’t have any in this part of the world, but I do think about that when the geese fly too low overhead…We have a pond nearby. I walk around it often. When the geese are around, you gotta look down or else…Waterbirds! (I used to raise ducks…messy, messy…funny though. Mine would beg for cheese at the back door several times a day…)

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  2. Blog Andrew says:

    Wow you chose to die over grasshoppers, your boyfriend is an incredible guy well done. Having said that I’ve had to make choices whether to live or die, but when faced with the choice I’ve never felt so alive and I can remember my thoughts at the time with a crystal clarity………….quite an experience actually.

    Liked by 1 person

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