To 2004, and its regrets:
I told you to say goodbye, didn’t I? Instead you got into a cab and left. Oh, you were so happy. You were finally moving to your grandparents’ house after extreme manipulation from your side. All it took was a sheet of paper with some stupid words to break your mom and have her allow you to go. You thought life would be different for you, better. You didn’t even hesitate. You packed your stuff, kissed your dad on the cheek, jumped inside the cab, followed by your mother, then you went to the bus station and left that place behind. For good.
You had your chance to say the words and to close that chapter, yet you didn’t. Now it’s been months, and it’ll be years, and you’ll always wonder. How would it be if you had said goodbye? Would it be better? Would you see him again? Ha! Well, you won’t. Suck it up, and let it go. That’s what you wanted, remember? You’ll be surprised of all the times you have thought of him and hoped you could turn back time and go to the moment you last saw him, and to say it. Maybe a peck on the cheek, like you used to, or a kiss even. Something. You wouldn’t believe all those dreams and memories either. You have a good memory, you don’t easily forget, and he will be proof of that for all the years to come. From now on, silence is his name. Enjoy that inner pain.
Again, your fault.
After your best friend left, you got lost. You spent a couple of months there, you had no one to talk to, and you needed her. Then you left, you started a new life away from everyone you knew. You became the new student again, you made friends right away, but it was not the same. It didn’t even feel real, it was all pretended. You just wanted someone to get you through the day at school. It was all fake. You thought about her all the time. They were not like her. Oh, you missed her. I think, there are parts of you that still miss her now. And you felt lonely. That was the first time you sensed that emotion, you were not able to handle it. You were so sad.
You missed home as well. Living in your grandparents’ house was not that much fun. See? I told you. You didn’t listen, so now there you are, at a pretty house on the outside, but hell within the walls. Oh, the things you’ll experience there. Don’t worry, they won’t be so bad; you’ll have fun. Plus, there are like six cute guys around the block, and a lot of them at school. You’ll watch their pretty faces and… well, that’s it. You won’t do anything else, you are too awkward for that.
So far you are doing great. Don’t look at me with that tone of voice, because despite the feelings you have, the melancholy and the rest of it all, you are fine. You need some time to get used to this new life, you’ll find out that those fake friends you have are, in fact, good ones. You’ll like them, then you’ll make three more. You’ll be six weird teenagers making mess at school. It won’t be so bad after all. You’ll even miss them when you’re gone, because, apparently, you enjoy leaving. But that’s another story.
These are my tips to survive this year. I hope you’ll take them. Remember: I know best.
. You will have plenty of fights. It’s not personal, your family is fucked up.
. Spend more time with your grandfather. Yeah, he is short tempered, but you are, too. So…
.Don’t let them change you. They won’t, but that won’t keep them from trying.
.Stop calling his number and hanging up at the first voice you hear. You’ll never talk to him again. Make your peace with it.
. You are a bad student. How did you manage to graduate? I don’t know, but try to pay more attention. School is important even if you feel it’s not.
.Prepare your body for hula lessons.
.You will not speak good French. Try Japanese instead. It’s easier for you.
.Vampires don’t exist. Stop it with the immortal fantasy already. You won’t even have a boyfriend until you’re older.
.You are ill tempered. Nothing is going to change that. Just don’t go all Hulk on people you care about. You’ll feel bad about it later.
.The world is not against you; you are against the world, hypocrite.
.Don’t be afraid of the dark. Embrace it.
.Hold on to your innocence. To us, it is precious once it’s lost.
.You’ll realize what is like to live with addict people. It will be hard, but you’ll get through it.
.A new friend is coming for you. She is on her way.
.Prepare yourself. Something bad is going to happen.
.You are going to have another brother.
.He’ll throw up in your mouth.
From your 2016.